An unpredictable life

At the beginning of each week, I make a list of goals. Sometimes, they are small. Most of January was scrapped because I couldn’t sleep. Waking up from flashbacks is horrifying enough, but at least I know what they are now and can process a little and try to get some more rest. The constant headache from no sleep is aggravating. Not being able to concentrate due to sleep deprivation is, well, tiresome.

During the middle of January, I had an average three hours of sleep each night, with many nights of 1-2 hours. I downed far too many 5-Hour Energy drinks because I had things that needed to be done.

Last week, I started heading to bed a little earlier and spending more time completing my sleep routine in an effort to be better prepared for when I’m awakened in the middle of the night. Sometimes I’m way off and a flashback catches me completely off guard, but I implemented some new coping skills to mitigate the after effects.

During the last seven days, I’ve gotten more sleep. I’ve had a few nights with four-hour stretches. Last night, I actually slept about 6.5 hours in a row. As I spoke with my therapist yesterday, we both agree it has to do with the EMDR I did in December. EMDR doesn’t stop just because your session is over. Your brain continues to process. Mine went into overdrive. We’ve taken a break the past few weeks from EMDR and will start it back up again soon, but only if I’m ready.

As a result, my plans for the month weren’t accomplished. The only consistent thing I did was write my podcast episodes. I had been four episodes ahead of recording, but that’s gone now as writing is usually the first thing that goes when the flashbacks get bad.

I wrote a rough draft of a poem on Thursday. I thought about rushing it because I missed my Thursday posting on Substack, but I don’t want to be a bean counter and put content out just so I can tick a box.

There are a few book reviews I want to write, but, again, it requires thought and thoughtfulness. My documentary list for February is outlined with a bunch of notes. I’d like to get those posts out on the first of the month each month, but it’s not going to happen this time.

When the good days come, I try to write as much as possible. If something is a complete draft, I can proofread it on the bad days. If I can get a few things written, I can spread those out over time. This wasn’t possible in January.

In the past, I would have beaten myself up over it, but, today, it’s okay. I’m working through a lot right now. EMDR helps tremendously, but it also means experiencing some gnarly days where I just stare at a wall expending all my effort to do something other than dissociate. Yesterday in therapy, I discussed how it’s helped with some of my trauma and how a lot of one particular incident is partially processed already.

On January 4, my mom’s fiance passed away. He was 85. I am the trustee of his estate. I’m trying to work on this now as well as Mom’s in the midst of everything else.

Then, there is trying to live in a fascist country and fighting as hard as you can against a pedophilic and murderous regime while watching thugs execute your fellow citizens which accidentally triggers your CPTSD, because, fuck me, I didn’t have enough trauma to deal with already, and then, holy shit, you try to explain to people that they might not be next, but they are on a list and one day it will be their turn, too.

Did that long-ass sentence tire you out? Yeah, welcome to America where each day is like a run-on sentence that never ends. You go to sleep only to wake up to more depravity.

I made a decision today to leave Reddit as well. I created my account 19 years ago. I’ve tried to stick to the subreddits I subscribe to, which includes Formula 1, technology, science, history, and atheism, but the bullshit bleeds in there as well. This morning, /r/formula1 had a post about Lance Stroll’s mom being in the Epstein files. As much as I try, it all makes me sad and angry at the same time.

For those of you fighting the good fight, keep fighting. The work is far from done. For those of you watching from afar, we are trying. Know that, no matter how much we have shoved in our faces every day, we won’t stop trying. We understand that you may move on without us. I think that’s probably a necessary step. We know this is not right and we are fighting in the best ways we know how. No matter how scared we are when we show up to help, however that might look, we’re trying.

On a brighter note, I’m trying to learn how to use OBS Studio so I can record myself reading my poetry and short stories. I still haven’t decided if I should chuck it up on Substack and ask for money, chuck it up on YouTube and ask for money, or just put it out there for free. I know a few writers who won’t publish something without getting paid, but 1) I don’t have the capacity to jump through all those hoops, and 2) I want people to read what I write and enjoy it. Hopefully, they’ll get something out of my stories and have a better day because of some words I managed to smash together. I just realized I forgot to put this on my list.

The dryer just beeped at me, so my laundry is done. If I get one thing done a day, it’s a win. Laundry can be crossed off my list. My podcast episode file is open. The notes are done. Meaningful sentences are next and then, hopefully, a good script. It’s now 12:30 p.m. This might be all I do today and that’s okay.