I’m not doing this for the next four years

Mrs. Blustein, my fifth grade teacher, brought a lady in to speak with us about politics. It was an election year and she was running for a seat in the U.S. House of Representatives. She didn’t have to come and speak to a bunch of 11 year olds, but I was glad that she did because I found it fascinating. We were learning about how politics work and here was a lady willing to explain all to us and answer our most idiotic questions. It was 1982 and that visit set me on a path of becoming aware of what was going on in the world and how I might actually be able to help effect change.

By the time I worked at the Star-Herald, I was heavily invested in writing letters, making phone calls and talking to my representatives whenever I could. Bart, my editor at the time, would sit in bemusement as I raged about the latest idiocy of the right wing. Living where I do, the local radio station aired the likes of Limbaugh, Hannity, Beck, and others of their ilk. I listened to them on my three-mile drive to work and was usually angry by the time I walked through the doors to the newspaper.

Bart and I would discuss issues in a much calmer and thoughtful manner, but, one day, he asked me, “Why do you listen to it if it makes you angry?” I gave him a lame-ass answer about how it was important to know what and how the other side thinks in order to reach out to them and get them to think differently. While that was true, it was also detrimental to my mental health.

Over the next couple of years, I realized I was angry all the time. Those on the right purposefully engage with others to make them angry and hate the “other.” People like me get angry at the lies and the purposeful misinformation, which makes us less effective when we are trying to talk with others. It’s by design and they’ve only gotten better at it. My desire to also read “all sides” led me to reading 10-15 articles each day just on a single issue. It’s partly what contributed to my mental breakdown in 2017.

At the time, I didn’t just read that Harvey Weinstein was arrested. I read that he was arrested on CNN, NPR, MSNBC, MSN, Reuters, the Associated Press, The Star-Herald, Variety, The Huffington Post, Propublica, Rolling Stone and a half dozen other news outlets. I did this every single time there was a new story with new details. I honestly believed that reading all of it would reveal the bigger picture and I’d get the full story. All it did was destroy me.

I’ve been working hard the last few years to find a balance of being informed, knowing when to engage, and knowing when to take a step back and say, “fuck it. It’s not worth it.” This morning, when I finally sat down to read the news, my RSS feed had the following headlines:

As you can see, I’ve filtered out the majority of news. Joe Jervis typically has a broad swath of news that I feel is adequate enough to keep me informed. I’ve been reading his blog for around 15 years. He writes good enough headlines that I can go “nope, nope fuck that, not gonna read that,” and other responses. If I’m interested, I can click to the side of the headline and it will open the first few sentences of the story. Sometimes, I stop there. If I want to read more, I click the headline and go to Joe’s blog and from there to the news source.

This morning, I said “nope,” “nu-uh,” “oh, fuck no,” and “for fuck’s sake,” a lot. Then, I said out loud, “I’m not doing this shit for the next four fucking years.” I could already feel myself getting angry and wanting to “clear up” the lies and the bullshit. The problem is, if I did this just for the stories in the picture, It would take me a week. And the day had barely begun.

I marked everything as read and went about my day. I figured out how to pay New York property taxes, which must be paid by check when you don’t have a check and which don’t take credit cards. Major crisis adverted.

I spent most of the day on the phone with the hospital about Mom. She had to have surgery, again, for her feeding tube. Then, I had to inform family. I got all the bills paid except one and the lady I need to speak with is on vacation until next week.

I turned my attention to me. I’ve been having a lot of stomach issues lately. They’ve always been there. They’ve gotten worse in the last couple of years. My doctor thinks (don’t know if we can ever be sure) that menopause has made the symptoms worse.

My doctor needed a stool sample in addition to a bunch of blood work. Part of this required me to eat the food that makes me sick. I accomplished the task, but have felt like garbage the better part of the day. We’re pretty sure I have at least a gluten sensitivity as well as a lactose sensitivity. Two of the tests will include checking for Celiac disease and lactose intolerance. All oil, except olive oil results in trips to the bathroom. Currently, I am down to less than 10 foods I can eat without getting sick. My doctor and I have been trying to figure it all out for about a year, but it seems three different food groups are affecting three different things in my body, so I can’t skip the medical tests anymore.

I received a notification a little while ago about my results, but I promised my doctor not to look at them until I see her on February 12. If it’s bad, I’ll get a call tomorrow to come in sooner. I doubt it is, but it will be nice to learn what I am actually intolerant and/or allergic to.

So, why bother telling you all this? Well, when I get upset – angry or sad – I reach for things like french fries. It’s well-known I love them. I can’t eat them anymore. We don’t know if it’s the oil, the potato or the mayo I slather on it or all three. I’ve always gotten stomach aches after eating them, but it’s gotten so bad over the last three years that if I eat them, I must be near a bathroom within the next 10-15 minutes.

So, if I try to keep up with the news for the next four years, I’ll drive myself insane and probably physically wreck myself as well.

I’ve already deleted my notes on how Spain isn’t a BRICS country. Gone, too, are all the notes I had on birthright citizenship. I may still write about the lower drug costs because, man it sure was nice paying $35 for one of my meds instead of $855. I don’t know how much it will cost when I renew it in a couple of weeks. I also suspect I’m probably preaching to the choir when I call people who worship the orange cheetolini and a bunch of dumb chucklefucks.

I feel like my country has failed me. I feel less safe today than I last week. I feel like war has been declared on us “poors.” I don’t feel justice has been done by letting violent people who beat up the police walk free from prison. He said he was going to do this and he has. I am deeply troubled that this is not who we are supposed to be. It’s not how I was raised, but I guess this is who we are. We have to come to terms with it and figure out what we are going to do next.

I hope you’ll be able to forgive me for not being a raging liberal fighting the good cause for a while. I don’t think my mental health can take it right now. None of us should be constantly fretting over what cruel thing he does next.

We aren’t the best country in the world. We never were, but we were supposed to be the leader of the free world. I don’t think we are worth the title. I hope the rest of the world takes pity on those of us who didn’t want this and are patient until we can right the ship. I only hope we do so before the planet is destroyed.

I’ve got my pen and phone ready. I just can’t do as much as I used if I expect to survive the next four years.