Although I have two things written, I am choosing not to post either this week. I may not ever post them as they are far too angry for the world to see in their current form.
I’m dealing with a lot of rage inside covering a lot of topics, including flashbacks, nightmares, distrust, diabetes, religion, abortion, and the general buffoonery of humans. My fuse has become increasingly short since August. I’ve been hiding it since then because people generally don’t want to hear things that make them uncomfortable, but I’m tired of doing so.
There is a desire inside me to say fuck it to my diabetes. I just don’t give a fuck right now. It’s a relentless, never-ending situation in my life. I can never stop monitoring it. I can’t take a break or vacation from it. Even when I do everything right, something can still go wrong. I have had to constantly think about it every single day of my life since March 2004. There is no downtime here. It’s a tiring, rigid schedule I must keep if I want to live.
I have been working on my religious trauma for several weeks. It’s going to take a long time to sort it out. Right now, I hate everything to do with religion, including its adherents. Is that fair? Probably not. My brain doesn’t care about fair, logical, or being hypocritical right now. It has always been forced to remain silent out of respect for the people who believe in the lies religion feeds to them. While my brain and my mouth would love to lash out about everything wrong and illogical about religion, it’s probably best if I keep my brain tucked away for a while longer until the fog of the of pain done to me begins to recede.
The flashbacks are close to unbearable right now. I hide them from everyone. Who really understands? Yeah, no one. Prescription drugs intensify them, so I need to resort back to having to deal with the flashbacks on my own with the coping skills I have. The problem is they are relentless. The more tired I am, the more likely I have them. I’m more likely to have them when I don’t get sleep. The majority of my flashbacks and nightmares occur when I’m asleep, so it’s likely I’m not going to sleep long or be well-rested.
If you’re thinking of sending empty platitudes along the lines of “it gets better” or “talk to your therapist, she can help you” or “you’ll be okay,” just don’t. I’d rather have the silence than bullshit, feel-good quotes designed to provide the giver with a sense of having done something when they have no idea what to do or say because they are uncomfortable.
This time of year does not bring me joy. I’d rather Thanksgiving and Christmas did not exist.
I wish the Supreme Court wasn’t meeting on Dec. 1, to hear Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization. I can’t choose the way the country is headed, which is toward 1600. I wish the thoughts of the case weren’t on my mind throughout each day. Read Amy Nobles’ story. Her abortion was performed in Mississippi. You can also read my story. Then, try and tell me you are a heartless fuck who thinks banning abortion is justified. Fuck everyone who thinks overturning Roe v. Wade and Planned Parenthood v. Casey is a good idea. Also, fuck “pregnancy health centers,” including the piece of shit one that exists in Scottsbluff. They are a part of a larger political system which hopes to control women working under the guise of “protecting” clumps of cells.
See, I don’t want to get angry right now, yet here I am, eyebrows scrunched and lips pursed as I clench my teeth. I should probably stop now. It’s never a good idea to write or say too much while angry. Staring at a wall will probably be a more productive way to spend my day.
Aj Nobles
*Hugs*