For the past few weeks, I have been trying to finish a post about how grateful I am for where I’m at right now. I may still get it finished in the near future, but right now, I just can’t. I’ve been doing everything I can to fight off some depression and other personal issuess, and I don’t have any reserves left to do anything else.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m incredibly grateful for where I am at and the progress I’ve made, but, lately, everything has been weighing me down. I’m usually good at fighting the depression long enough until I can get out of it and keep moving forward. I’m losing the fight right now.
I’m struggling to do the basic things in life. I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to take a shower. I don’t want to go to work. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to exercise. I’m pretty sure if it wasn’t automatic, I’d find it hard to breathe as well.
I am trying to keep so many things in my mind from overwhelming me, but I’m kind of failing at it. Every thought is consuming me. I force myself to look at what the next thing is on my schedule and do it. There is no energy or passion. It’s getting done because it needs to be done.
I’m not sleeping well. While I haven’t had a flashback in over a month, my sleep is still disturbed. My therapist made the comment last week that I am either sleeping too much or not enough. She’s right. I lost the balance a while ago. I’m not sure if I can ever get it back.
I still have nightmares and I still wake up to hearing things. I’m probably having flashbacks while I’m sort of asleep, but in its efforts to try and protect me, my fucked up brain isn’t working quite right. It’s trying to stop the flashback, but doesn’t get it quite right. I wake up, which is the goal when I have nightmares and/or flashbacks, but one part of my brain isn’t synced with another part and I get confused about what’s happening. Who the fuck really knows what’s going on? I just know I’m tired of waking up scared all the time.
I’ve come close a few times to deleting every social media account I have and walking away from them to clear my mind. I don’t even have the energy for that.
My writing is piling up. Some of it is never going to get done. Right now, I just don’t give enough of a shit to even care. I don’t even give a shit about a comet that I would normally be outside trying to get a good picture of. I don’t even care if it hit the Earth and set everything on fire.
A friend has been checking in on me and, honestly, her texts are the only thing I’m purposely responding to when they arrive.
I want to go away somewhere for a few weeks to cry and sleep. I just really want to be left alone until I can figure out what the fuck is wrong with me, but I can’t do that. I’m not rich, so it would only take a month or two before I was homeless and hungry. So, I have to put my fucking happy, everything’s okay face on and head back out into the world and hope no one asks me how I’m doing.
Yeah, this will probably pass. I always seem to make it. I’m just not feeling it right now.