It crushes me

I received some bad news yesterday and it crushed me.

The news probably isn’t the end of the world and in the grand scheme of things never will be, but it hit me so deep that I didn’t know any other way to react. I didn’t even feel it coming on. There was the news. Then….it just crushed me.

Paul tried to help me cheer up a bit and get me to see reason, but when your soul is in pain and you feel like a complete and utter failure, not even the truth is going to see reason.

I could no longer function. This is how my brain reacts to bad news. I don’t yet know how to react in a better way. So, I curled up on the couch and cried. Then, I went to bed and cried myself to sleep.

Sleeping only made me feel like a bigger failure because I blew off a meeting with a friend. I didn’t even text her to cancel.

I don’t know how to handle bad news so I implode and ride the emotion until it comes to an end. It ends up in self-sabotage and destruction of relationships caught in the wake. I can’t explain it to myself, so how am I supposed to explain it to others?

I’m having a hard time with commitments lately and for the few friends I do have, it’s difficult to explain to them what it’s like to me. I imagine it’s difficult for them to continue to want to be my friend.

An entire day was wasted because I can’t do something I should have learned as a child. Now, I have to find a way to get in touch with my friend, who I always feel like I’m a burden to, and hope that she will continue to tolerate my shortcomings and not feel sorry for me.

I wanted to write a long post detailing what happened, but then I realized I can’t. I don’t think anyone can understand how certain things that seem minor to others completely crush me and set me back in my progress and healing. Everyone would tire of it because I have to fight these feelings every single day.

I failed big time yesterday. I don’t want to have to explain it again, and again, and again. I don’t want to hear from people to “just get over it” or “it’s no big deal,” because it is a big deal to me. I can’t wave a magic wand and make my mind change from 49 years of survival responses.

I’m trying to breathe right now, trying to calm the shaking Chihuahua inside and return to a somewhat normal state. I can’t do broken right now, especially with today being Christmas Eve and all the soul crushing memories I’m already fighting.

Today will be one of those “minute by minute” days, where I hope to make it out alive with nothing new to crush me. Today is better than yesterday and that’s enough for me right now.

Here are the lyrics to the song, “Doubt” by Radical Face I posted above.

Staring into the sun
Always looking for an answer
When I know there isn’t one
I get get get what I can
Cause now I know
That those heartfelt words
Were all empty vessels

I don’t know if this all will end
I don’t know who to call my friends
I don’t know how to choose my sins
I don’t know how much more I can bend
I don’t know if these plans will take
I don’t know if it’s all just a waste
I don’t know if our hearts will break
I just know that we’re here
And that’s enough for today

Drifting through another day
Can’t connect to what’s around me
Laugh or cry, it’s all the same
I gotta sleep when I can
But I have learned
That nothing lasts
Not even problems

I don’t know if this all will end
I don’t know who to call my friends
I don’t know how to choose my sins
I don’t know how much more I can bend
I don’t know if these plans will take
I don’t know if it’s all just a waste
I don’t know if our hearts will break
I just know that we’re here
And that’s enough for today