October

Same thing each year
nothing works

I’m done
I’m not fighting this year
As the world comes crashing down again
I’m not going to fight

all for naught
the walks
the hikes
the writing
the reading
everything has crashed

the grounding works
but only twenty percent of the time
so I’m not going to fight
it’s too overwhelming
the tears keep flowing
I’m just going through the motions of life

There was no happy sunshine childhood
no amber waves of grain to run through with friends
there was only destruction
and it’s arrived again

I’m not prepared
I never am

October is
horror
terror
vomit
agony
torment
I can’t fight it anymore

October pounds on my will
to live
to breathe
to be

It is a hailstorm through the soul
crushing and tearing away my sanity
weakened, crippled, exhausted
I no longer want to fight
It’s too hard to do it alone
Vomit spews freely in October
leaving headaches, ringing ears, and despair
in its wake

the tears burn as they drift down the side of my face
creating invisible scars that only I can see
a remnant of what humanity can do to another soul

October is not a surprise
it walks in front of you
lets you know what’s coming
and then punches you harder than the year before

assault
rape
accusations
blame
shame
dismissal
disbelief
more visceral than before

I cannot prepare for October
no one can prepare for me
it comes two-fisted
knocking me down before I can get back up

October ravages me from within
all progress sabotaged, erased
curled up in the fetal position
I protect myself
from October’s blows
but October always finds a way in

anger, fear, despair, hopelessness
take turns feeding my brain
I no longer care
I can’t fight October
October wins again
35-0
I’m on the losing side again

October is numb and sad and nauseous
it’s the loneliness of knowing
no one will ever understand October

We live ’til we die
and October will be here next year
for more of my soul
to suck the warm marrow that remains

There’s no peace from October
no peace of mind
no moment of peace
only onslaughts of overwhelming anarchy

October is dread, trauma burned into vivid flashbacks
of a life you never asked for
yet it consumes your waking moments
it is a fire out of control
there is no end of October
it’s embers smolder throughout the year
waiting to reignite
rise like a phoenix
and crush you again

Weariness lives in October
all the roads are difficult to navigate
bleak, desolate, isolate, lonely
I don’t want to join in on the journey
October forces me to face the anguish and heartache and pain

October scares me to death
it does each year
I go through the motions
to reach November
it doesn’t matter if I fight or not
October always wins