When work hits a little too close to home

Imagine living in a world where you are told nothing you ever do is right. Imagine a world where everyone questions your actions or behavior. Imagine where everyone who could help you fails or is removed from your life. Imagine what kind of person you would be if you grew up in a world like this.

I had the opportunity to attend the Trauma Informed Care workshop on Friday and while I was aware of basic things to be discussed, I was amazed at the willingness and desire of every single person in the room to learn more so they could return to their respective organizations in the Panhandle and find better ways to help their clients. Many times, these people are hampered by laws that are nonsensical and down right stupid. Yet, they press on.

During the six-hour workshop, there were a variety of learning activities. One video, presented through the actual words of children speaking, forced you to look at the world through the eyes of a child and what it meant to be a foster or adopted child, or a child who had experienced trauma. Right there for all to hear were the explanations why children who have experienced trauma behave the way they do and why they sometimes seem to act irrationally. You just needed to listen to what the children were telling you.

Another video showed two examples of getting a horse into a trailer for the first time. In the first video, two men were treating the horse harshly – I would say violently – in forcing the horse to bend to human will. They smiled and were proud of themselves once they were finished. My silent comment to them was, “dickheads.”

The second video showed a man trying to guide a horse into the trailer. The horse didn’t want to go. It was unfamiliar to her. She was scared. As the man attempted several times to move the horse where he wanted, he was patient to a point in allowing her to run a few feet away from the trailer. Once the horse had calmed down, he was able to guide her to the trailer and allowed her to step in when she was ready.

“She didn’t want to go in. She was scared. And I had to understand that,” the man said.

We do not take the time to be patient with one another either. We don’t listen to each other or empathize with someone else’s fears, no matter how irrational we may think they are. We tell others to stop being afraid and just get on with it. We don’t try to understand.

And all of that hit a little too close to home.

I don’t have to imagine living in a world where I am told nothing I ever do is right. I don’t have to imagine a world where everyone questions my actions or behavior. I don’t have to imagine where everyone who could help me failed. I don’t have to imagine what kind of person I would be if I grew up in a world like this. I did. And most people still do not understand.

So, please forgive me when I post things here or on Facebook or wherever when I have doubts about my abilities and who I am. I live with the dichotomy of putting my stories out there for the world to see and enjoy while simultaneously panicking that what I do will never be good enough. The more passionate I am about a topic, the more anxiety, fear, panic, and sheer terror rises to the surface.

I don’t write anything on my website for accolades. I don’t want a pat on the head, hear “good job” and be told that it will all be fine. I write to sort out a brain that is constantly fighting me. It is used to being told it is a failure. It is used to the look of disappointment. It is used to fear. It is used to a lack of praise. And sometimes you see that, too. And you don’t understand.

My brain is trying to understand the positives in harsh contrast to the world it is familiar with and has grown to expect. My brain finds it likes compliments, but doesn’t know how to accept them. It does not yet fully understand praise. It will. It’s just going to take time.

As I sat through the workshop, taking notes for an article, I looked around the packed room at all the people who have decided to make their lives about helping others, I thought, “Finally. There are some people who get it. They understand.” And they’re trying their damnedest to make sure children in the future will only imagine worlds full of candy and chocolate.