I had a dream last Saturday in which everyone I cared about had died from COVID-19. Unlike some of my PTSD flashbacks/nightmares, I couldn’t wake up from this dream. I couldn’t stop what has happening in the dream and I couldn’t change the narrative. I woke up drenched in sweat and freaking out. The dream made me take a look at something I’ve been pushing aside for quite a while.
In my continuing quest to lead a more peaceful life, I have found I could be far more angry than I am today. I’ve cut back on the number of news sites I read each and as well as the time spent reading because it really does just make me angry.
Last October during a regularly scheduled checkup with my doctor, we had a discussion about taking medication for my PTSD-related nightmares and flashbacks. I hate taking medications, but she noticed a continued increase of nightmares and flashbacks. I wanted to think about it. I’ve said I wanted to think about it every three months during my checkups.
As I sat in my room at the State Game Lodge in Custer State Park, I heard a distant pounding. It took a moment for me to realize this was not a second wave of mighty storm that had just passed through, but was the thundering hooves of bison who live in the park. I glanced out the window and witnessed at least two dozen bison pass beneath my gaze.
The bison were majestic in their gallop. I stood and watched them continue past the lodge and into the distance. Bison can run up to 35 miles per hour – three times faster than humans. I was too slow for pictures and opted to stand at my window and take in the beauty unfolding in front of me.
This post was originally supposed to have a title of “A year on,” but I kept deleting it. The words weren’t right. I couldn’t focus. It wasn’t turning out to be what I wanted it to be. It wasn’t writer’s block. It was more what was going on in my personal life and the things that prevented me from writing something I wanted to publish. I want to discuss a few things from the past year and where I’m at right now. Hopefully, you’ll want to continue that journey with me.
For the past few weeks, I have been trying to finish a post about how grateful I am for where I’m at right now. I may still get it finished in the near future, but right now, I just can’t. I’ve been doing everything I can to fight off some depression and other personal issuess, and I don’t have any reserves left to do anything else.
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