Catharsis

Katie and Irene show off Gering and Scottsbluff from atop the Scotts Bluff National Monument. Photo by Katie Bradshaw.

I haven’t wanted to sit down and write anything since my mom passed away on April 2. Each time I get behind the keyboard, I get sad. Then, the words no longer come. Added to all this, my country has fallen into fascism. I am at a loss of what to do, where to go, and what direction I should be taking.

Throughout all of this, however, there has been the kindness of others who have reached out to me and I want to highlight that instead of the devastation that seems to be surrounding me.

Before my mom had passed, my friend, Katie, and I had a planned trip to climb the Scotts Bluff National Monument. She moved away a couple of years ago and this was the first time I was going to get to see her. She offered me an “out” and I appreciated it, but I was looking forward to spending some time with her, even if it was only a couple of hours.

The hike was a good way to clear my mind a little and take me out of everything else going on in the world. I didn’t think about planning my mom’s funeral. I didn’t think about politics or religion or the future. We were just two friends spending some time together.

As it turned out, we ran into Justin, chief ranger at the Scotts Bluff National Monument. We had a long talk, which I won’t share, except for one thing. If you have ever had the benefit of visiting a National Park and/or Monument, send the rangers a letter. They are struggling to keep their morale up right now and could use some kinds words to help them get through their day.

As Katie and I were nearly finished our walk, we heard the word, “Katie,” being shouted from two people approaching us. They were far enough away, they were not yet in focus for me to see them clearly. Then, they shouted, “Irene.” It was Jim and Lesley, retired park rangers we knew well. They live in Oregon now and just happened to be in town that day.

Katie, Irene, Lesley, and Jim at the Scotts Bluff National Monument. Photo by Katie Bradshaw.

A few days later, I spoke with my friend, Mary, who helped me get an extension on my mom’s taxes. I called in a panicked voice. Mom’s funeral was on tax day this year. I didn’t give a shit about filling out forms, but I also want to do the right thing. Mary was calm and collected and took care of everything for me.

I went back to the zoo and took quite a few fantastic photos. Once I sort them, I’ll share a handful of my favorites. For now, here’s me feeding one of the highland cattle (I think this is Cinnamon).

Candice and I are still doing lunch. She gave me the space I needed and we talked about her recent trip to London instead of me. She and her husband, Doug, talked at length with me about everything that happened over the last 10 months. They lent compassionate ears and empathy.

Steve and Maria brought me food. They are good friends and I know whenever I eat whatever they offer, it will be tasty.

Jerry calls me. He doesn’t like texting. We often meet for drinks – coffee for him and tea for me – as we discuss a variety of things. He’s been through similar things in life to me and knows when to give me space and when to call and say, “hey, kid, are you okay?”

My good friend, Jina, has been texting me regularly. I spent Easter Sunday with her family. It was the first time in at least 25 years I participated in the day.

Bas has checked in on me via email. It’s a busy time of year for his job, but there’s always an open door for me. It’s hard to believe sometimes that I’ve known him since 1993.

I met Gert 32 years ago online when few people knew what the internet was. He was the third person I spoke to and is my oldest friend. Throughout my moves all over the U.S., and his eventual move from The Netherlands to Greece, we’ve always stayed in touch and found ways to keep our friendship going despite the distances involved. He checked in on me again yesterday. I’m going to be extra jealous of him soon as he will be attending the Dutch Grand Prix in Zandvoort this year. Still, I’m sure he’ll tell me all about it and make me smile. I’d tell him to give Carlos Sainz a hug from me, but if I did, he probably would, and then where would we be?

I spoke with Hendrik last night until well after Midnight, Dutch time. Hendrik spent a month in America visiting me during the Summer of 1994. Part of that time we stayed at my mom’s place. We had a good time reminiscing about her and the crazy summer we had as silly 20-somethings. One day, I’ll write the story about sort of illegally parking in front of the White House.

My friend, Marina, is coming next week to visit her family and we’re going to try to sort out an hour or two to see each other. I had planned to visit her for my birthday in July, but my finances have been drained and it isn’t prudent to make a trip right now. As fortune would have it, we might still get a couple of hours to catch up in person rather than the cards and letters we often exchange now.

My friend, Conner, and I are still going with the podcast. It’s fun. It’s a nice respite each week away from my regular life. We get to blather on as much as we want. I don’t keep track of the metrics because I don’t care about such things. I’ll never make money off it, but I get to share the history of my adopted home while being goofy with my friend.

I’m trying to “see” my great nephew, Wyatt every couple of weeks via WhatsApp and Zoom. I wish I could see him more, but I despise New York and I don’t own my own jet. I’ll take what I can get.

Wyatt, with his dad, David, in the background.

Throughout all this my nephew, David, has been a fantastic help. We’ve “drowned” together, fought for Mom together, felt helpless together, and reconnected.

I’ve also received several emails, texts, and cards of condolences. As someone who was beat down so much in life, the people who have reached out to me have shown me that there are still good people in the world and that some of them genuinely care for me and only wish the best for me. I sometimes forget that, especially given the cruelty the people “leading” my country seem to enjoy right now.

I know what Mom would say if I could talk to her right now. I just need to keep that in mind whenever I open a news article or see a friend. It has all been truly appreciated even if I couldn’t write a word to thank anyone for the past seven weeks.