The ups, but mostly downs, of the week that was

I often tell people that just being me is an overwhelming experience on the best of days. Most people have an idea of what I’m going through, but they never truly know.

I write the words I do here because I’m not ashamed of my diagnosis. I am one small cog in a giant wheel talking about mental illness to help remove the stigma associated with it. I am here for that one person who reads what I write and says, “yeah, me too. I get that.”

Last week was a difficult week. One friend who understands what I’m going through and is just as frank and open as I tend to be said, “Irene, you look like shit.” Yeah. That was my week.

I decided to break down the major incidents into the most simplest terms. Some days it’s a struggle just to function on any level. I try to find the positive in the negative and keep pushing forward toward better days.

Bad: The flashbacks and depression.
Good: Therapy helps. It’s not a magic cure, but it works. Supports (thanks to Paul, Amber, and Dalene) ease the pain and the tears.

Bad: I still don’t sleep through the night.
Good: It’s getting better. Just not today.

Bad: I’m not suppose to talk about the awards I’ve won with Nebraska Press Women and the National Federation of Press Women until they are officially recognized.
Good: Everyone reading this knows I’m going tell people.

Bad: I had new beats assigned to me at work. It wasn’t my choice.
Good: I can do the work. People have already expressed their gratitude and interest.

Bad: My work environment is overwhelming. I do triple the work I was hired to do and have been asked to do more.
Good: I am taking steps to rectify this situation.

Bad It took me four months to get the courage to ask someone I highly respect to read my memoir.
Good He said yes. He provided excellent feedback.

Bad: My memoir is now half as long as it was before.
Good: I have enough things written for another book.

Bad: The tears are flowing more often than before.
Good: The tears are flowing more often than before.

Bad: I sometimes feel the flashbacks would like to permanently take over.
Good: I have some good coping skills in place to keep me on track and in the here-and-now.

Bad: I’m struggling again. It happens more than I wish it did.
Good: I will be fine. Just not today.

I know as some people read this post, they will roll their eyes and think, “Again? Why aren’t you over this already?” They do not, or will not, understand.

What happened to me may have happened in the past, but it has real, lifelong effects that carry over unless it is dealt with. I can’t say how long this journey will be or if it will ever be over, but I’m working on it.

I’m going to keep falling down. I’m going to keep picking myself up.

The PTSD and the depression that likes to join it isn’t going away anytime soon. I’m going to keep fighting. It’s the only thing I know how to do.

I’m going to keep writing. I’m going to make mistakes. I’m going to have successes that keep me riding high for the days that knock me low.

Today was a little better than yesterday and tomorrow will be better than today. I’ll fight the things in my head that no one can see. I’ll fight the stigma in public.

Through it all, I’ll keep fighting for myself. I’ll keep writing. I’ll keep sharing and explaining.

I will be fine. Just not today.