At the beginning of each week, I make a list of goals. Sometimes, they are small. Most of January was scrapped because I couldn’t sleep. Waking up from flashbacks is horrifying enough, but at least I know what they are now and can process a little and try to get some more rest. The constant headache from no sleep is aggravating. Not being able to concentrate due to sleep deprivation is, well, tiresome.
Every year, at the end of November, I begin to think about how I’d like my next year to look while reflecting on where I’ve been and the progress I’ve made. This year, 2025 threw me a few major curveballs.
The screaming woke me up. It took several moments for me to determine the screaming was coming from inside my head. It happens. It is part of my trauma. It is part of a flashback. It gets worse, like everything else in October.
I’d encourage you to watch the four-minute video on YouTube. Johnny Bananas does some good work and deserves the click on this one.
A drawing I recently made.
One of the most important things my grandmother taught me was “it never hurts to ask.”
Note: I wrote this on April 15, 2017. Other than my boss’s boss, no one has ever seen it. It feels pertinent to me today to share it, especially in light of those in power and when you consider how much we are told that bullies go away after high school. They don’t. We are constantly fighting against them. Talking to the bully and asking for help didn’t work for me, so I wrote this letter and gave it to the boss’s boss.
Little yellow bastard outside my front door.
There are days I have thoughts in my head I want to write about, but can’t flesh them out into anything more meaningful than a sentence or two. Sometimes it’s because of the PTSD. Sometimes I can’t find the right words to express myself. Sometimes someone else said it better. Sometimes there isn’t anything more to say.
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