I was going to call you that day, but I thought I’d do it later
Nighttime was always the best time to catch you as you rested from the day
As it turns out, when I thought to call, the smashing had already begun

Mangled front end, engine tossed to the other side of the road
airbags deployed, extrication necessary
“you did a bang up job,” you’d say if it happened to me
but I couldn’t muster any words, all I saw was my shattered mom in a coma

The next morning, David went to see you
You said you had an accident in a sarcastic way
he knew then it probably wasn’t true
By the time I saw you in person four days later, your eyes were closed
wrists smashed, bones pulverized

Every time I saw you after you woke up
it seemed like you were trying to tell me something, but didn’t know how
I know you never wanted to be alone, but that wasn’t it
You didn’t want to stay, but you didn’t want us to go
And I suspected, too

The shell of a mother, lies motionless in a dirty care home bed
your soul might be in there somewhere, but your eyes have clearly given up
they speak louder than words ever could
no one wants to hear the truth of how we arrived here this day
your thoughts are broken, and like your limbs, they might never be healed

Her home could never be cleaned of all the lonely shadows
the pain is evident, in the one spot where she stayed
the last months of her life before the “accident”
a blue rocking chair, surrounded by empty take-out bags and Styrofoam tea cups,
and the low sounds of the TV to block the reality that she had no one left to care for

I didn’t hear your soul when you told me you couldn’t live there anymore
you didn’t know what to do if he couldn’t come home and you were left alone
The words meant something else and I tried to soothe your pain and comfort your tears
Did you feel there was no one left to care for

David and I are all grown up now
did you think we still didn’t need you

The days slide by, but the words get stuck
there’s no one to ask, no one to answer
why did you leave your teeth at home
did you know you would not need them anymore

Why were you on that road
What was your purpose that day
That road didn’t lead to any of your destinations
except maybe it did

I don’t know what was on your mind
as you climbed behind the wheel
no one does but you
you’re not here to explain it to us
but David and I know
we will never understand
even though we do

Was the world too weary for you
Did you think this was your only escape
You tried to take care of things yourself
like you always did for everyone else
you tried to do it all alone
but I don’t think I’ll ever truly understand

The last day I saw you, you were not awake
cardiac arrest had taken its toll and there wasn’t much time left
it’s a hard way to go, respite care never came
you were all alone when you departed, your greatest fear come true
There were no last embraces, no touches of the hand, no kisses goodbye
only a simple slipping of a lonely mortal coil

Now I understand what you were trying to say on the phone
but you could never muster the words
life was always innuendo with you when it came to the hard stuff
We listened, but, this time, we did not comprehend
and we missed all the signs

The house is silent, only remnants of who you were
we are overwhelmed by the darkness which overcame you
as your cries were never heard, but I never heard you cry before

I won’t go back home again, there’s nothing left for me there
I’ve taken all the memories and carry them as best as I can

Even though you’re not here, I know it doesn’t mean you didn’t love us any less
I’ll keep you in my heart, I’ll hold you in my thoughts
remember your voice and the kindness you gave to others

I freeze the happy moments in my mind, for just a little while
they slip through my fingers as I desperately try to document
a life worth living

We never got to say goodbye
you slipped away while we were gone
no final embrace, no tears of sorrow
only silence, except the long beep of a flatline

We’re not okay, we’re not all right
the only constant is the unfairness of life
these memories cut through my soul
you were lonely and felt forgotten
I carry the knowledge these feelings, too, will one day come my way