Why does anyone buy Jell-O?

There’s something in my Jell-O.

We all grew up with Jell-O. We’ve heard the stupid jingle. I bet you’re singing it now. But what is the point of Jell-O? It’s flavored sugar and doesn’t provide any nutrients, yet it sells millions of boxes a year.

After deciding the kitchen cabinets needed to be cleaned out, I found eight boxes of Jell-O and two boxes of Jell-O instant pudding. Most of them had expired in 2011. A few had expired in 2010. I began to wonder why I even had such things in my house if I was never going to use them.

Most of our cabinets are filled with nutritious things, such as unsalted cashews, unsalted pistachios, crackers to go with cheese, protein bars, canned vegetables, and Mounds or Snickers bars.

Neither Paul nor I remember purchasing the famous little boxes. I asked on Facebook whether I should toss the entire lot out or not. The consensus on the pudding, however, was to toss it as quickly as possible. One friend said she had just made a box of Jell-O that was older than the ones in my possession. I figured if she wasn’t dead, mine wouldn’t kill me either.

I boiled water on my stove that is so old only one burner works. You could hear the crackling of the aluminum teapot as it heated over the rusting coil.

I looked at the stack of Jell-O boxes. I had three strawberry-flavored boxes. I decided to make them all at once. I followed the directions on the box of one cup of boiling water and one cup of cold water per box.

I pulled out a serving spoon and stirred until everything was dissolved. My cat, Londo, ran into the kitchen, did a shoving-turn move on my foot and raced back out. Three long claw marks adorn the top of my left foot now, but I did not stop stirring.

The box said to wait four hours for the Jell-O to settle. So I did. I waited. And waited. And waited.

Paul made me french fries for lunch. I typed up fourteen poems I’ve written. They will be posted over the next several weeks. Then, I did some research on Jell-O.

“CBS This Morning” covered a story about Jell-O on November 27, 2011. According to the story, “Approximately 420 million boxes of Jell-O gelatin are sold in the United States each year and over a billion Jell-O cups.” I guess my expired boxes were part of that 420 million.

I don’t really like Jell-O, so I don’t know why we even had it in our house. I have never understood why people like Jell-O. I suppose if you ask, “Would you like some sweetened and flavored processed collagen product,” people would be grossed out, but you make a cutesy commercial telling people to “watch that wobble, see that wiggle, taste that jiggle ” and suddenly everyone wants some.

https://youtu.be/xA26RTvDGs4

After several hours of waiting, I went into the refrigerator and this is what I found.

Holy Crap. My Jell-O is so old there’s a Tyrannosaurus in it.

After removing the Tyrannosaurus from my Jell-O, Londo wanted to see what I was eating. He didn’t like it, but he’s a cat. So, I ate it. Eleven-year-old Jell-O vs. Irene. Irene wins.

I dug in without scooping out servings into separate bowls because that’s how I eat Jell-O in my house. I ate my sweetened and strawberry-flavored processed collagen product and I did not die.

The end – but not the end of me. It didn’t kill me.