{"id":4337,"date":"2026-01-31T12:32:02","date_gmt":"2026-01-31T19:32:02","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/?p=4337"},"modified":"2026-01-31T12:32:02","modified_gmt":"2026-01-31T19:32:02","slug":"an-unpredictable-life","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/2026\/01\/31\/an-unpredictable-life\/","title":{"rendered":"An unpredictable life"},"content":{"rendered":"

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At the beginning of each week, I make a list of goals. Sometimes, they are small. Most of January was scrapped because I couldn\u2019t sleep. Waking up from flashbacks is horrifying enough, but at least I know what they are now and can process a little and try to get some more rest. The constant headache from no sleep is aggravating. Not being able to concentrate due to sleep deprivation is, well, tiresome.<\/p>\n

During the middle of January, I had an average three hours of sleep each night, with many nights of 1-2 hours. I downed far too many 5-Hour Energy drinks because I had things that needed to be done.<\/p>\n

Last week, I started heading to bed a little earlier and spending more time completing my sleep routine in an effort to be better prepared for when I\u2019m awakened in the middle of the night. Sometimes I\u2019m way off and a flashback catches me completely off guard, but I implemented some new coping skills to mitigate the after effects.<\/p>\n

During the last seven days, I\u2019ve gotten more sleep. I\u2019ve had a few nights with four-hour stretches. Last night, I actually slept about 6.5 hours in a row. As I spoke with my therapist yesterday, we both agree it has to do with the EMDR I did in December. EMDR doesn\u2019t stop just because your session is over. Your brain continues to process. Mine went into overdrive. We\u2019ve taken a break the past few weeks from EMDR and will start it back up again soon, but only if I\u2019m ready.<\/p>\n

As a result, my plans for the month weren\u2019t accomplished. The only consistent thing I did was write my podcast episodes. I had been four episodes ahead of recording, but that\u2019s gone now as writing is usually the first thing that goes when the flashbacks get bad.<\/p>\n

I wrote a rough draft of a poem on Thursday. I thought about rushing it because I missed my Thursday posting on Substack, but I don\u2019t want to be a bean counter and put content out just so I can tick a box.<\/p>\n

There are a few book reviews I want to write, but, again, it requires thought and thoughtfulness. My documentary list for February is outlined with a bunch of notes. I\u2019d like to get those posts out on the first of the month each month, but it\u2019s not going to happen this time.<\/p>\n

When the good days come, I try to write as much as possible. If something is a complete draft, I can proofread it on the bad days. If I can get a few things written, I can spread those out over time. This wasn\u2019t possible in January. <\/p>\n

In the past, I would have beaten myself up over it, but, today, it\u2019s okay. I\u2019m working through a lot right now. EMDR helps tremendously, but it also means experiencing some gnarly days where I just stare at a wall expending all my effort to do something other than dissociate. Yesterday in therapy, I discussed how it’s helped with some of my trauma and how a lot of one particular incident is partially processed already.<\/p>\n

On January 4, my mom’s fiance passed away. He was 85. I am the trustee of his estate. I’m trying to work on this now as well as Mom’s in the midst of everything else.<\/p>\n

Then, there is trying to live in a fascist country and fighting as hard as you can against a pedophilic and murderous regime while watching thugs execute your fellow citizens which accidentally triggers your CPTSD, because, fuck me, I didn\u2019t have enough trauma to deal with already, and then, holy shit, you try to explain to people that they might not be next, but they are on a list and one day it will be their turn<\/a>, too. <\/p>\n

Did that long-ass sentence tire you out? Yeah, welcome to America where each day is like a run-on sentence that never ends. You go to sleep only to wake up to more depravity.<\/p>\n