{"id":2200,"date":"2019-12-24T07:02:33","date_gmt":"2019-12-24T14:02:33","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.irenenorth.com\/writings\/?p=2200"},"modified":"2024-04-22T02:46:10","modified_gmt":"2024-04-22T02:46:10","slug":"it-crushes-me","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/2019\/12\/24\/it-crushes-me\/","title":{"rendered":"It crushes me"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"Radical Face - Doubt\" width=\"629\" height=\"354\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/islTD6GQH38?feature=oembed\" frameborder=\"0\" allow=\"accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share\" referrerpolicy=\"strict-origin-when-cross-origin\" allowfullscreen><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p>I received some bad news yesterday and it crushed me.<\/p>\n<p>The news probably isn&#8217;t the end of the world and in the grand scheme of things never will be, but it hit me so deep that I didn&#8217;t know any other way to react. I didn&#8217;t even feel it coming on. There was the news. Then&#8230;.it just crushed me.<!--more--><\/p>\n<p>Paul tried to help me cheer up a bit and get me to see reason, but when your soul is in pain and you feel like a complete and utter failure, not even the truth is going to see reason.<\/p>\n<p>I could no longer function. This is how my brain reacts to bad news. I don&#8217;t yet know how to react in a better way. So, I curled up on the couch and cried. Then, I went to bed and cried myself to sleep.<\/p>\n<p>Sleeping only made me feel like a bigger failure because I blew off a meeting with a friend. I didn&#8217;t even text her to cancel. <\/p>\n<p>I don&#8217;t know how to handle bad news so I implode and ride the emotion until it comes to an end. It ends up in self-sabotage and destruction of relationships caught in the wake. I can&#8217;t explain it to myself, so how am I supposed to explain it to others?<\/p>\n<p>I&#8217;m having a hard time with commitments lately and for the few friends I do have, it&#8217;s difficult to explain to them what it&#8217;s like to me. I imagine it&#8217;s difficult for them to continue to want to be my friend.<\/p>\n<p>An entire day was wasted because I can&#8217;t do something I should have learned as a child. Now, I have to find a way to get in touch with my friend, who I always feel like I&#8217;m a burden to, and hope that she will continue to tolerate my shortcomings and not feel sorry for me.<\/p>\n<p>I wanted to write a long post detailing what happened, but then I realized I can&#8217;t. I don&#8217;t think anyone can understand how certain things that seem minor to others completely crush me and set me back in my progress and healing. Everyone would tire of it because I have to fight these feelings every single day. <\/p>\n<p>I failed big time yesterday. I don&#8217;t want to have to explain it again, and again, and again. I don&#8217;t want to hear from people to \u201cjust get over it\u201d or \u201cit&#8217;s no big deal,\u201d because it is a big deal to me. I can&#8217;t wave a magic wand and make my mind change from 49 years of survival responses. <\/p>\n<p>I&#8217;m trying to breathe right now, trying to calm the shaking Chihuahua inside and return to a somewhat normal state. I can&#8217;t do broken right now, especially with today being Christmas Eve and all the soul crushing memories I&#8217;m already fighting.<\/p>\n<p>Today will be one of those \u201cminute by minute\u201d days, where I hope to make it out alive with nothing new to crush me. Today is better than yesterday and that&#8217;s enough for me right now.<\/p>\n<p>Here are the lyrics to the song, \u201cDoubt\u201d by <a href=\"https:\/\/en.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/Radical_Face\">Radical Face<\/a> I posted above.<\/p>\n<p><em>Staring into the sun<br \/>\nAlways looking for an answer<br \/>\nWhen I know there isn&#8217;t one<br \/>\nI get get get what I can<br \/>\nCause now I know<br \/>\nThat those heartfelt words<br \/>\nWere all empty vessels<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>I don&#8217;t know if this all will end<br \/>\nI don&#8217;t know who to call my friends<br \/>\nI don&#8217;t know how to choose my sins<br \/>\nI don&#8217;t know how much more I can bend<br \/>\nI don&#8217;t know if these plans will take<br \/>\nI don&#8217;t know if it&#8217;s all just a waste<br \/>\nI don&#8217;t know if our hearts will break<br \/>\nI just know that we&#8217;re here<br \/>\nAnd that&#8217;s enough for today<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Drifting through another day<br \/>\nCan&#8217;t connect to what&#8217;s around me<br \/>\nLaugh or cry, it&#8217;s all the same<br \/>\nI gotta sleep when I can<br \/>\nBut I have learned<br \/>\nThat nothing lasts<br \/>\nNot even problems<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>I don&#8217;t know if this all will end<br \/>\nI don&#8217;t know who to call my friends<br \/>\nI don&#8217;t know how to choose my sins<br \/>\nI don&#8217;t know how much more I can bend<br \/>\nI don&#8217;t know if these plans will take<br \/>\nI don&#8217;t know if it&#8217;s all just a waste<br \/>\nI don&#8217;t know if our hearts will break<br \/>\nI just know that we&#8217;re here<br \/>\nAnd that&#8217;s enough for today<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>I received some bad news yesterday and it crushed me. The news probably isn&#8217;t the end of the world and in the grand scheme of things never will be, but it hit me so deep that I didn&#8217;t know any other way to react. I didn&#8217;t even feel it coming on. There was the news. [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[10],"tags":[113,238,248,377],"class_list":["post-2200","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-ramblings","tag-depression","tag-mental-health","tag-music","tag-trauma"],"post_mailing_queue_ids":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2200","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2200"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2200\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3719,"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2200\/revisions\/3719"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2200"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2200"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2200"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}