{"id":2094,"date":"2019-10-16T07:51:45","date_gmt":"2019-10-16T13:51:45","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.irenenorth.com\/writings\/?p=2094"},"modified":"2024-04-22T02:46:11","modified_gmt":"2024-04-22T02:46:11","slug":"i-sighed-deeply","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/2019\/10\/16\/i-sighed-deeply\/","title":{"rendered":"I sighed deeply"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

There was still a little bit of light outside. I suspect in a week or two, it will be dark outside at 6 p.m. Fall is in full swing and winter is nipping at the edges of the day, anxious to arrive and take over. The temperature was in the mid-forties. I parked my car in the empty K-Mart parking lot, got out and dialed her number.<\/p>\n

I sat on the cold, concrete parking bumper. The chill instantly went through my blue jeans. I was shaking, but I wasn’t sure if it was because of the cold or everything else.<\/p>\n

She answered on the fourth ring.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, what’s going on,\u201d she said. She was in a happy mood. You could tell from the sound in her voice. I momentarily hesitated to speak.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh my god,\u201d she said. \u201cWhat’s wrong?\u201d<\/p>\n

It was difficult to talk. It took a few seconds for speech to come out of my mouth. My brain was naturally formulating a number of things to say, each fighting for priority.<\/p>\n

\u201cHave you got a few minutes to talk?\u201d I said.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes. Where are you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI’m sitting in the old K-Mart parking lot.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI will be right there.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon’t hang up,\u201d she said. \u201cKeep talking to me until I get there.\u201d<\/p>\n

I didn’t know what to say. So many thoughts were fighting for attention in my head. I believe I said things like, \u201cI’m not doing well,\u201d and \u201cI don’t know what to do.\u201d<\/p>\n

She kept talking to me until her white truck pulled into the parking lot. She got out, came over to me and gave me a long hug.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you need?\u201d she said. \u201cWhat can I do to help you?\u201d<\/p>\n

“I didn’t know.”<\/p>\n

I honestly didn’t. My mind was swirling with so many thoughts they were becoming a jumbled mess inside my brain. I was trying to sort them all out, but failing miserably.<\/p>\n

I knew I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want to try and hike out at Carter Canyon so close to nighttime. I did want to get in my car, drive away, and never come back. I also knew that wasn’t the answer.<\/p>\n

I started talking to her about my day and how things had taken a nosedive, especially after therapy. She put her arm around me and gave me a side hug. I sighed deeply.<\/p>\n

I ran my fingers through my hair, knowing it would end up looking like I was a member of A Flock of Seagulls<\/a>. I didn’t care. I took a deep breath, exhaled slowly, and started talking.<\/p>\n

There was no coherent path to our discussion. I let the thoughts tumble out of my brain and through my mouth. I couldn’t focus on one thing at a time, so it all came out. It makes for a more confusing conversation, but it was all I was capable of doing at the time.<\/p>\n

Eventually, we sat in my car. The cool evening air chilled both of us and it was stupid to sit outside in the cold when a warm car was less than three feet away. Sitting in the driver’s seat, I realized I wasn’t shaking from the chilly weather.<\/p>\n

She let me talk, get out what I needed to say. She asked questions and diverted the topic when things got to be too much, too intense, or too overwhelming for me.<\/p>\n

Most of all, she listened. She didn’t try to solve anything for me. She’s been here before. I’m not really a complicated person. I just need an ear to listen, a shoulder to lean on, and arms to hug me. Sometimes, I need advice and she’s really good at knowing when to give it, when to shut up, and when to ask what I need from her.<\/p>\n

She asked me if I had planned to write everything out. Of course I will. Writing is what I know. It’s a solid comfort in a chaotic world. It soothes my soul and helps me focus on the truth instead of the lies whispered in my ears during desperate times.<\/p>\n

Most of what I’m going to write over the next few days will not be seen publicly. My therapist told me I needed to get a few things written down. She’s more specific than my friend, who suggests writing every crazy thought in my head. I’m a little more methodical than that.<\/p>\n

They’re both right. Whatever form the writing takes, it needs to be done so I can progress forward. Whether it’s pen to paper or fingers at 82 words per minute on a keyboard, I need to write.<\/p>\n

It was well after 8 p.m., when she stepped out of the passenger seat of my car. She wasn’t leaving until she was sure I was okay.<\/p>\n

I turned on the engine, shifted into reverse, and then into first gear. I reached over and pushed the button to turn the music off. I sighed deeply and drove home in silence. I had heard enough sounds for one day.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

There was still a little bit of light outside. I suspect in a week or two, it will be dark outside at 6 p.m. Fall is in full swing and winter is nipping at the edges of the day, anxious to arrive and take over. The temperature was in the mid-forties. I parked my car […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11],"tags":[152,238,254,405],"class_list":["post-2094","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-stories","tag-friendship","tag-mental-health","tag-nebraska","tag-writing"],"post_mailing_queue_ids":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2094","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2094"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2094\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3733,"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2094\/revisions\/3733"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2094"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2094"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2094"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}