{"id":2087,"date":"2019-10-08T16:07:40","date_gmt":"2019-10-08T22:07:40","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.irenenorth.com\/writings\/?p=2087"},"modified":"2024-04-22T02:46:11","modified_gmt":"2024-04-22T02:46:11","slug":"october","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/2019\/10\/08\/october\/","title":{"rendered":"October"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Same thing each year
\nnothing works<\/p>\n

I’m done
\nI’m not fighting this year
\nAs the world comes crashing down again
\nI’m not going to fight<\/p>\n

all for naught
\nthe walks
\nthe hikes
\nthe writing
\nthe reading
\neverything has crashed<\/p>\n

the grounding works
\nbut only twenty percent of the time
\nso I’m not going to fight
\nit’s too overwhelming
\nthe tears keep flowing
\nI’m just going through the motions of life<\/p>\n

There was no happy sunshine childhood
\nno amber waves of grain to run through with friends
\nthere was only destruction
\nand it’s arrived again<\/p>\n

I’m not prepared
\nI never am<\/p>\n

October is
\nhorror
\nterror
\nvomit
\nagony
\ntorment
\nI can’t fight it anymore<\/p>\n

October pounds on my will
\nto live
\nto breathe
\nto be<\/p>\n

It is a hailstorm through the soul
\ncrushing and tearing away my sanity
\nweakened, crippled, exhausted
\nI no longer want to fight
\nIt’s too hard to do it alone
\nVomit spews freely in October
\nleaving headaches, ringing ears, and despair
\nin its wake<\/p>\n

the tears burn as they drift down the side of my face
\ncreating invisible scars that only I can see
\na remnant of what humanity can do to another soul<\/p>\n

October is not a surprise
\nit walks in front of you
\nlets you know what’s coming
\nand then punches you harder than the year before<\/p>\n

assault
\nrape
\naccusations
\nblame
\nshame
\ndismissal
\ndisbelief
\nmore visceral than before<\/p>\n

I cannot prepare for October
\nno one can prepare for me
\nit comes two-fisted
\nknocking me down before I can get back up<\/p>\n

October ravages me from within
\nall progress sabotaged, erased
\ncurled up in the fetal position
\nI protect myself
\nfrom October’s blows
\nbut October always finds a way in<\/p>\n

anger, fear, despair, hopelessness
\ntake turns feeding my brain
\nI no longer care
\nI can’t fight October
\nOctober wins again
\n35-0
\nI’m on the losing side again<\/p>\n

October is numb and sad and nauseous
\nit’s the loneliness of knowing
\nno one will ever understand October<\/p>\n

We live ’til we die
\nand October will be here next year
\nfor more of my soul
\nto suck the warm marrow that remains<\/p>\n

There’s no peace from October
\nno peace of mind
\nno moment of peace
\nonly onslaughts of overwhelming anarchy<\/p>\n

October is dread, trauma burned into vivid flashbacks
\nof a life you never asked for
\nyet it consumes your waking moments
\nit is a fire out of control
\nthere is no end of October
\nit’s embers smolder throughout the year
\nwaiting to reignite
\nrise like a phoenix
\nand crush you again<\/p>\n

Weariness lives in October
\nall the roads are difficult to navigate
\nbleak, desolate, isolate, lonely
\nI don’t want to join in on the journey
\nOctober forces me to face the anguish and heartache and pain<\/p>\n

October scares me to death
\nit does each year
\nI go through the motions
\nto reach November
\nit doesn’t matter if I fight or not
\nOctober always wins<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Same thing each year nothing works<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[238,285,305,377],"class_list":["post-2087","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-poetry","tag-mental-health","tag-poetry","tag-rape","tag-trauma"],"post_mailing_queue_ids":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2087","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2087"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2087\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3735,"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2087\/revisions\/3735"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2087"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2087"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2087"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}