{"id":1942,"date":"2019-06-27T11:33:58","date_gmt":"2019-06-27T17:33:58","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.irenenorth.com\/writings\/?p=1942"},"modified":"2024-04-22T02:46:11","modified_gmt":"2024-04-22T02:46:11","slug":"dancing-at-the-edges-of-fire","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/2019\/06\/27\/dancing-at-the-edges-of-fire\/","title":{"rendered":"Dancing at the edges of fire"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Walk to the car
\njust walk to the car
\nthere’s no one inside
\nit’s safe there<\/p>\n

speak the words
\nto quell the thoughts
\nsilence the memories
\ncrush the flashbacks
\nkeep the constant dialogue
\nto get the fear the fuck out of my head<\/p>\n

the triggers are a minefield I must traverse
\nsome are known, others explode in waves I must ride out
\nwhile they create new destruction I must rebuild<\/p>\n

This PTSD does not discriminate
\nit is an equal-opportunity destroyer<\/p>\n

smells, noises, people moving around me
\nall must be navigated, investigated
\nlooking for a final determination of safety<\/p>\n

rooms of all shapes and sizes
\nconstantly scanned
\nthreat assessments made
\nexits located
\nrespite is brief, if at all
\nwhile being overwhelmed, exhausted, barely functional
\nat the end of the day<\/p>\n

the back seat in the movie theater must be obtained
\nor a refund of a ticket will be required<\/p>\n

He has come to accept the \u201cquirks\u201d of my life
\nthough he does not truly understand
\nHow could anybody?<\/p>\n

there is nothing for you to fix
\njust listen
\ncare
\na kind word
\nto feel normal<\/p>\n

The scars are invisible
\nYou can’t feel my feelings
\nYou cringe at the visual picture painted
\nof abuse
\nof pain
\nof terror<\/p>\n

I relive this battle
\nthis inner screaming
\nand debilitating fight to survive
\nambulating through the annals of my mind<\/p>\n

events painted and repainted
\nadvancing into a slow motion retelling of horror
\nin vivid detail<\/p>\n

stomach-churning
\nshallow breathing
\nfrustration
\ndread
\npanic
\nfear<\/p>\n

the haze of emotion of prolonged trauma
\nlasts for hours
\nsometimes days
\nthe mind and body fights to escape
\nthe endless loop of despair<\/p>\n

inventories, stones, a wooden coin with a hopeful message
\ngrounding me to the here and now
\nkeeps the torment at bay
\nkeeps the chance to sleep a possibility<\/p>\n

go easy on yourself they say
\nbut it’s a continual struggle<\/p>\n

Contentment is fleeting, rare
\nWhen it arrives, I remain there as long as possible
\nlest another tidal wave appear and consume me<\/p>\n

It’s my war within
\na war I never wanted to be in
\nand it’s occurred over the course of my lifetime
\nI am strong, but it sometimes feels like a never-ending nightmare I can never escape
\nIt takes control and the tears don’t stop<\/p>\n

I did not cause this war
\nI did not set the battles in motion
\nYet, I continue to fight on<\/p>\n

je me souviens
\nI remember
\n\u00e7a fait encore mal
\nit still hurts
\nje dois survivre
\nI must survive<\/p>\n

And I do
\nlooking toward the next quiescent contemplation
\nwhen I can breathe again<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Walk to the car just walk to the car there’s no one inside it’s safe there speak the words to quell the thoughts silence the memories crush the flashbacks keep the constant dialogue to get the fear the fuck out of my head<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[285,294,405],"class_list":["post-1942","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-poetry","tag-poetry","tag-ptsd","tag-writing"],"post_mailing_queue_ids":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1942","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1942"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1942\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3752,"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1942\/revisions\/3752"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1942"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1942"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/irenenorth.com\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1942"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}